Chasing Clarity | Vol. 4

This may well be the last volume. And it may very well not be.

Either way, I just want to document today, because it’s a great day. Today I found bright sunshine.

I know this may sound cheesy, but today I found out that I don’t give a fuck about the boy. Something during the Thailand trip must have rekindled something between him and his ex-girlfriend, and I think they are back together, maybe. I don’t give a fuck.

And there I was, thought that I was going to be brokenhearted, realized that I felt nothing but relief. I realized that I am capable of moving on, that I can listen to Turning Page by Sleeping at Last without thinking about him, that my future fantasies can involve unknowns and adventures. I’m glad that I decided to bail out last minute to not hop on that plane to Thailand. I’m glad that I went somewhere else, and stayed away.

All these people, all these projects are all temporary, and what’s ahead of me is really what I need. I’m so excited and so I unafraid of what the future holds!

I’m glad that throughout all of this, I had always believed that I would find the brighter end of the tunnel. That I had always known life won’t always stay the same as when you are 16. I had always held hope, and I’m extra grateful to have found it.

I don’t have a religion, simply because my family didn’t raise me to have one. But if I did believe in God, He’s GOOD. Had I not cancel my trip last minute, had I not click on the playlist for my future wedding (yes, I have a playlist, I also have venues, guest, favors, flowers and color schemes), I would have never came to my great realization. Talk about serendipities.

But now that I think of it, I made all the decisions myself, so maybe I’m good. Haha.

I want to throw my hands in the air and yell “hell yeah!” I’m so excited to go on healthy diets; to start dressing like a human; sleep at a reasonable hour, with a smile on my face; to watch cult movies and read philosophical books; to learn more and experience. Holy shit, am I excited. All the pressure and damages that I put on myself – all the things I used to destroy my body, my happiness are now gone. I feel so free, so free that I can fly. So free that I have spring in my steps and the confidence to conquer the world.

and whoever is reading this, I thank you. This blog, this series especially, had helped me fight and brought me light. So thank you, I’m grateful that I’m happy.

xx L.

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