Chasing Clarity | Vol. 0

I think it’s time for confession.

I’m lost. I have lost myself. I have lost track of the meaning behind self. I have been lost for quite some time.

A little over a year to be exact. Last spring, a whole lot of weight came crashing down on me. It’s difficult to pinpoint one specific event as the culprit of it all, probably because there was not one incident that caused all this confusion; it wasn’t even that many tragedies to be honest, everything was functioning just as usual; or maybe that was the problem. I like to think of it as a coming-of-age puzzle. I am at a time of my life where I know what I don’t want, but haven’t found what I need yet.

If there was one event that stood out, it was the ending of  my very first “romantic entanglement”. I can’t even call it a relationship because we were never an item. It was one year of intense attraction and even more intense heartbreak. By the time of Spring, 2014, I know I had lost all hopes and the punishment began. I wasn’t in the position of punishing him, and I probably wouldn’t have let myself even if I could. So I sentenced myself to depression.

First, it was months of diet plans. I went days without ingesting any food. I lost nearly 20 lbs and had little energy to keep up with all my track training and schoolwork. A month or two past and I started binge eating. Friends’ lockers, public fridges, staff lounges were all on my radar. All I could do was indulging myself in food and tv shows, to the point where I couldn’t even move my body. Gladly I never threw up.

I would eat food that I detested; I would mix Chinese takeout and banana cupcakes together; I would stuff my stomach as much as I humanly can. It became more than an emotional outlet, but more of a torture. By the end of summer, I had gained all the weight back, lost my toned body and my mood was always down. I made a few attempts to clear up the mess, but every time I went to the extreme of starvation. And let me tell you, it’s never a good choice.

That fall, I found YouTube. I found Zoella and then all the beauty gurus. I tried to find myself in the beauty world. I spent hours after hours lying in bed, MacBook at hand and just let the films roll. Surely I was intrigued by all the products and the fancy lifestyle on the other side of the camera, but I don’t know if that’s what I want to pursue. It was just time wasted.

I fell again this summer. Denying all the responsibility that comes from applying to college. I, again, lied on my bed, binged watched Friends, Wong Fu Productions and nigahiga. But today, I decided that it’s time to write about it, it’s time to put some clarity back in my life. I still don’t know what am I missing, but I know I need to pick up my slack and keep walking. Fortunately I had always held hope through this dark period, I always believed that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. This battle had been going on for well over a year, and I had seen brighter days from time to time. Some days were pretty great, but some were just plain ugly. And I used to think if I try, I will easily win the battle, so there were a handful of days where I woke up and gave myself a huge pep talk “this is the day that I move on”, but those attempts all failed. I gave in to reality, held onto a positive outlook because I knew that life doesn’t stop at 16, I know that someday I will be able to move on from here and things will be different; so I decided to go with the flow and let time take me where I need to go. Well, today, I think I will start to actively fight the battle, and I will be chasing clarity.

I know that this is a dangerous time. With so much on stake and possibly my entire future waiting, I shouldn’t be stopping here to chase perspectives and find myself. My parents are probably right when they told me to focus on my studies. But Mom, Dad, I need myself back. I am not fighting for happiness, because I know that would be too much to ask. I am just fighting for clarity. To see who I am, to understand whom I may become. I know that for most people, college is a time of confusion and self-renovation, but I had always been the more mature one. My time has come, and now I’ve decided to confront the demons and find that peace of mind.

xx L.


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